Day 52

Today my boyfriend told me about seeing someone snowmobiling on the ice at the edge of the lake, while the middle of the lake was partially thawed. He then suggested he may later on take our adorable dog for a walk on the frozen parts. I told him that it was a stupid idea and he shouldn't be that careless, but if he did choose to go there then to not take our dog... and that got me to thinking:

My son was living his life walking on unsafe ice and taking stupid risks ~ and he knew it. Never in a million years would I have told him to walk out there, or take anyone with him. So why is it that he KNEW all the risks and took the walk anyway, and now I'm forever paying the price for a walk I never would have taken with him? He chose to keep taking those risks and he knew all the dangers involved ~ even death.

My son HAD OD'd before, and had told me that he wished he had died when he overdosed. But one thing I know for certain is that he wouldn't have wanted to take me down with him. At the end of the day he chose that walk, that path, and those mistakes. He made those choices himself. I did of course try to stop him but I always feel I could have tried harder. And I never would have suggested that path, all I did was discourage it.

He made his own choices and they were the wrong ones. I need to keep reminding myself that his choices were not my choices. His life was his life. And although his death feels like my death too, I cannot embrace his death or death in general as my future.

My son is still alive after all, just not here, but somewhere far, far better. He's happier now, and so shall I be. I can be at peace because I can feel him at peace.