Day 45

Sometimes my mind feels clearer than it's ever felt before. Sometimes it feels on the verge of insanity. One thing is for certain though ~ I WILL get through this all.

Today I am taking my daughter to an appointment to sign her up for rehab. This makes me happier than I've been since my son died. Having to worry endlessly about my daughter in some ways makes my son's death easier, in some ways harder.

I KNOW my son is in a better place and that logically I do not need to worry about him AT ALL. Numerous times a day a short-lived, paralyzing shock that he's actually dead takes me over.

I feel that the best thing to do is to try to keep busy ~ and that doesn't mean working more.

I read more, watch more TV, cook more and clean more. I don't feel like going out of the house as much as before. I feel lonelier now and feel like being alone at home more often. I do make sure that I sometimes go out though and not become a hermit, that existence would be treacherous for me.

I love life too much to give it away or let it be stolen from me. My life will be exactly what I want it to be, exactly how I create it, and that is something I have always told my children. It is up to me to find the light as I swim through this murky dark soup of death.

It is up to me to decide how I want my life to go. It is up to me to find my way back to my old self, and then to even improve on the old me.

I will not sign my life away to these hardest of struggles. I will fight fight fight for happiness. The happiness IS ALWAYS there for all of us to find. We just have to never give up looking for it. The hard work is worth it.