The weirdest thing is that my emotions go up and down like a yo-yo. Today I drove past the first place I lived on my own and I thought that if I had only killed myself back then then I wouldn't have to go through this horrible existence now.
A few hours later I was happily thinking about an upcoming trip to Paris. When I awoke this morning I felt such deep despair and guilt that I cried like a baby while doing dishes. Yesterday I cried a few tears of joy because my oldest daughter is back at home and hopefully getting placed in a rehab facility soon. Yesterday I feared my upcoming solo Paris trip because I thought I may feel lonely on it, whereas in the past I always preferred to travel solo.
One thing I hate most is when people say things like : It will take a year to get over this, or, that this is something you will never get over, or, that the death of a child is the worst thing someone can go through. When people say these things I feel like punching them in the face ~ because how the hell would THEY KNOW???
All parents who go through the loss of a child will experience very different things because they are all very different people. Since I have already been through so much loss I feel that my experience is probably much easier than it would be for many others. Then again - perhaps it will affect Me more and more in the future, who really knows?
What I do know though is that I am starting to feel a little bit more like my old self. I am glad I was more prepared for this than most. I am glad that I can feel like I can perhaps handle this. I am glad that I feel much better than last week. I am happy that I am still alive. I am happy that I can still feel some joy. And I am happy for this strength to carry on.