Day 48

At times when I think about his death I feel like I'm going to vomit. Sometimes I feel dizzy. Sometimes my vision goes blurry and I feel like I'm going to faint. Sometimes I have to make sure I don't stand up too fast in case my knees buckle. I sometimes hate everyone and everything ~ his father (my ex husband), my boyfriend, the bullies who tormented him in high school so much that I pulled him out of school for a year, and his teachers and the administration who wouldn't do anything about it. But most of all I hate myself for not begging him more often to go to rehab, for my not seeing how serious his problems really were. Each day I wake up with a mountain of regrets. So many regrets that I fear I will suffocate under them. This pain is so immense that I really do sometimes wish I could kill myself. I would never of course because I still have 2 children. If that weren't the case I'm not sure if I would still be here. I am so very very tired.