Day 42

Today is exactly 6 weeks. I just finished reading an amazing article about a mother who found real joy and happiness even though she had experienced the loss of a child. I know I will eventually be her, I can feel it in my bones and heart that I will. There are far too many articles about how a mother never gets over this. I can't imagine a life where I never get over this. Of course this will always be a part of me but that doesn't mean that it must define me. I refuse to be defined by a horrific tragedy in my life. I have 2 other children, and a life full of adventures and happiness and love ahead of me. I must press on. I feel so selfish saying that yet I know it is what I must do. I must find my happiness again. I need to.

I literally feel like I may go insane. The stress of his death combined with my daughter's ongoing addictions is too much to handle. I have added another mantra to my repertoire: "I Can't Go Back in Time". Please God help me. Please God help my daughter. At least my son is relieved now, so I don't have to worry about him. Sometimes it feels like my son is the lucky one. Today I had a great workday monetarily, but money means less and less to me each day, because the only thing I really want I can't have. I would do anything to have him back, to go back in time and know what I know now. Why the hell do I have to feel so guilty all the time when I was never the one who gave him drugs or made him do them? In fact I have been warning my kids about the dangers of drugs since forever. Now I wonder if even that was a mistake. I question everything I have ever done or said. And I of course question why I am even alive. WHY WHY WHY??? I refuse to go insane, and when I don't I will always congratulate myself on that ... because it will be accomplishing the near impossible. I need strength now more than ever. I need to hold it together.