Day 35

It's been 5 weeks now since my baby died. I thought it would get easier, but sometimes it's much much harder. I think about him almost every minute. A little baby at the beach, a boy on his way to school. The tears from my regrets this past week could fill a ton of jars. Why didn't I wrap my arms around him and beg him to get help? He was always so convincing in telling me that he didn't have a problem, that everything was O.K.

I fear I will never stop crying. I hate myself for everything I would have, should have, done differently. I will always hate myself for failing, for not doing the right things. How can I ever forgive myself? Each day brings a whole new level of pain and sadness. The tears don't stop. This is an entirely different world now, and I fucking hate it.

I have never wanted to go back in time so badly, even if that meant starting from the very beginning. I don't think I'd have the strength to do it all again though. I barely have the strength to put one foot in front of the other. I barely have the strength to stay alive. If it weren't for my other 2 children then I don't know if I would still he here. I really don't think I would. This is far too difficult, unimaginable pain always threatening to tear me down for good. I can't take it anymore. I want to die. This is ripping my mind and heart apart at the same time, always.